We all know the phrase “follow your heart.” It sounds sweet and mushy and everything but sometimes the heart can steer you wrong mostly because a lot of the feelings we experience might be only temporary. If we are following those temporary feelings we might be making the wrong move. Like the past winter when my heart was broken. If I had followed my heart, I would have left my husband and my marriage. It would have been the wrong move. I would have regretted it and never have been able to undo it.
The Love Dare challenge focuses on leading your heart. Biblical submission focuses on submitting yourself to your husband and doing what is good for him. The challenges of the Love Dare are, in my opinion, progressively more difficult and require more from me in terms of thought and prayer and setting my heart to rights before proceeding on to the next dare. I’ve made a commitment to myself, for the sake my husband and my marriage, that I won’t just blindly go through each dare without giving it 100%. Until I can do that, I don’t move on.
So I have been a little stuck. Lessons I thought I had really “gotten” as it turns out this week I hadn’t. So I’m going back and reflecting and praying and re-reading. It is hard to be loving and giving when the person whom you’re loving and to whom you’re giving is acting like a jerk . It’s hard to open your heart and love fully when you know there’s a really good likelihood it’s going to get stomped on, at least in the short term. In my heart, it’s like eating something and expecting chocolate cake (great, now I’m jonesing for cake and I haven’t even had breaky yet!) only to find dirt and worms and bitter seasonings.
So I just keep remembering the joy of our wedding day and all of the bright promise that it held, how certain I was that marrying Studly had been the best decision of my life. And I keep going back to these Bible verses in Matthew 25:34-40:
Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
Kind of puts my little hurt feelings into some real perspective, wouldn’t you agree?
The last two days have been heavy caretaking days and Studly’s temper has been quite short due to the pain. Monday I have to admit that I got defensive and argued back with him and generally made a mess. Monday night I cried and I didn’t sleep because this is not the Willow I want. It isn’t the Christian walk or the marriage I want. I knew I had blown it big-time. Tuesday I prayed. I decided to lead my heart and do the things I did out of love for Studly and love for the Lord because He told me to do them. I had to stop a couple of times and remember the end goal and pray myself back onto the right path. And ya know what? At bedtime last night, before I closed my eyes, I had chocolate cake in my heart.